I can keep your secrets. Can you keep mine?

i'm getting ready to delete this account.
i've copied my entries because my reflections do reveal inner turmoil and can be deciphered in later months with a clear head

that's all.

I haven't written here in a while.
a long while.  My exams are coming up. Today is the deadline for picking a college.
I don't want to talk about that now.

My life has gotten exceedingly boring. And depressing.
No one answers my phone calls. I don't know why. I haven't done anything to piss people off.
Whatever, I'm going to focus on my school work and exams for the next two weeks.
Then I will worry about others.
And then I will get a job, which will cut out alot of this aggravating worry.

Blue is such a refreshing color. A certain shade of blue. You sit and stare and hope that you are washed away in a sea of cerulean. Green too. A warm, jungly green that you wish could wrap you up in its devastating heat. 
A cold grey will swallow you whole and think nothing of it.  Red shall burn out your irises. Purple reforms them.

I apologize for the extreme strangeness of the last.
I am going running. Or biking. I haven't decided.

I'm looking for someone new.
you know that time between getting over your old lover and finding a new one.
That's the most dangerous time. A dangerous game. You know that if you see him again, even though he was terrible to you, you still have that pull, that weakness for him.
I must avoid him at all costs


i keep forming mini-crushes on different people.
none of them like me back. it's all good though.

i'm really tired.

i drove home high/drunk

i know, stupid
i didn't drive badly, but then again there were no drivers on the road.
halfway home, i start laughing hysterically because i wanted some music on, so i put some on and danced the whole way home.

that's the way i should be, every time i drive.
if you can't dance, you can't live.

i should never cross-buzz. it fucks me up so much quicker than either/or
but, i'm good at typing when buzzed. see?!?!!
i'll propbably read this in hte morning and be like, wow gurl. just, no.

i can't remember what i was talking about.
um,  POT POTPOTPOTPOT.
love it.

Heath Ledger died.
I'm not devastated.
It's just weird, you know? Like hearing about an aquaintance from years ago dying.
Maybe I'm still not used to young people dying. I mean, I hope I never get used to it because it is horrible.

But it made me think

 Is a successful career, sexiness, and a marriage (failed or not), and a child all we need before its ok to die?
I know, we will continue to say that he had so much going for him, that it is a tradegy to die so young.
But really, wasn't his life more than many dream about?

Everyday there will be someone watching his films, seeing him across a television screen. He can't be forgotten, not because of his current "fame" but because of his documentation. He won't be forgotten
But I will be. You will be. In a couple generations, no one will remember me, whether I die tonight or thirty years. Is that the definition of a successful life, whether or not I'm remembered by those who live beyond me?

We don't know if he was happy, or if the person living next to him was happy, or if you are happy.
We will never know, because what's on the surface and what's truly happening with a person are very different things. I can say there is only one person who really knows me, outside of my family. 
The public sees what they want to see.


I went on a tangent, sort of.